I dream that I get a message from a doctor saying, good news! I discovered you’re not depressed after all! I’m curious so I go see him, he’s giving a whole presentation about me, on a stage, slides on the big screen. He announces to the audience that I actually have “Empty Womb Syndrome.” I, of course, disagree with his findings and I’m actually pretty angry at him. I’m about to say something when Lady Tremaine herself walks on stage, announces that the doctor is a “charlatan”. She winks at the audience and says a surprise is up next. The Critical Role cast walks on stage and the crowd goes wild, the doctor is ushered out protesting loudly.
Tag: Critical Role
A Woman After My Own Heart
I dream that I’m playing D&D with the Critical Role cast. We hear noises and a door slamming open, Matt looks sheepish. He says we gotta stop for today because a friend is coming over.
Maya Rudolph walks in with her assistant, acting like she owns the place. She calls me by my name (I’m honored she knows it) and tells me to keep my cat away because she’s afraid of it. I assure her I never let my cat out of the house.
“Gosh, I wish it was Christmas,” says Maya, “It should be Christmas every weekend.” I absolutely agree with her. She says we should all go on a New York shopping spree, she’ll pay. That’s a magnificent idea, but I need to run home to change first, will they wait for me?
In my bathroom at home I try to put on a pink sweater, but I’m so impatient I tear holes in it. Oh well, this old blue hoodie I’m wearing will have to do. I look in the mirror and see I’ve somehow grown a mullet, but there’s no time to fix that now. I’m putting my jacket on in a hurry, ready to leave, when my dad grabs a pair of scissors and cuts my hair. He’s given me a fairly good pixie cut in under two seconds, but now I’m covered in my own hair and I’m mad at him.
It’s too late, Maya and the others have already left on a plane. Apparently my cousin knows where they went, we track her down in a crowded village, we look up at her balcony and yell her first and last name…
I wake up, for a moment I’m devastated that I’m not actually gonna go shopping in New York.
I Wish That Were Me
I’m part of the Critical Role fam, and actually I’m pretty sure I’m Laura Bailey. We are some sort of Scooby Doo gang, we are investigating a big house where a man is doing illegal cloning experiments.
There are heavily armed guards in front of the house, while Marisha distracts them Taliesin and I sneak in the back. We find a room with several cloned animals, including my own cat: they are identical down to the same pink collar, my cat is also there somehow, looking at her double all puzzled. There’s also a leopard cub.
Next we find a huge laboratory and walk along pods and pods of cloned people and animals. The villain arrives and we have to run away. I get mad a Marisha for not warning us, and we all change clothes to hide from the man.
Wishful Thinking
I’m watching Star Wars on TV. Darth Vader is on screen, he is not wearing his armor and his flesh is red, burned and bleeding. He removes his helmet too, we see two big eyes, long eyelashes and eyebrows wincing in pain. I realize he’s actually played by Hayden Christensen, I don’t know how they convinced him to come back! Even weirder, he’s wearing a black wig that makes him look like Snape or Kylo Ren. He yells in pain and anger, and a stormtrooper runs over to help.
Now I’m watching the latest Critical Role episode. The battles are beautifully animated with the same style as Gorillaz’s videos. The episode ends with Nott being teleported away, and Matt says goodbye because the show is quarantined like everything else.
I try to go back home, but it’s raining now and there are too many people out and about, I realize with horror. Why aren’t they all in lockdown?! We are all gonna get sick! I decide to hold my breath and try desperately not to touch my face until I’m out of the crowd. A woman tries to grab me by the hand to beg for money, and I run away.
I end up at the store, my boss’ boss is there. She wants to know if I prepared the list she asked me to, I lie and say it’s on my tablet. I’m saved from further embarrassment by my dad, who burst in waving a piece of paper with a credit card glued on it: the government has sent me money, to make up for the fact that I’ll be quarantined at home for months. There are 750 bucks on the credit card, and I’m really excited because I’ll be able to buy myself a new computer now.
My Subconscious Feels Always Guilty and Sometimes Horny
My penpal C. has come to visit, but she looks very unhappy. I think she misses home, I feel guilty because I’m never the one going to her country, I only did it once. So I give her my phone and tell her to book a flight whenever she wants. She books one for that same evening, but I don’t let her finish and lead her in the shower, where I lift her in my arms and we start having sex.
My mother enters the bathroom to put wet towels on the heater. I yell at her to get out! Right! Now!!! She reads the room, chuckles and leaves. I’m so embarrassed, the door was locked, how did she get in? Did she unhinge it?!
The mood is ruined so C. goes back to booking her flight. She’s now a young black woman and I’m a young man with short dreads and a little beard. She’s mad at me because there are pictures of another woman on the phone. I try to calm her down and explain I simply put a stolen SIM card inside my phone, because my friends and I are trying to scam the owner. So it happens that my friends are the Critical Role cast.
Useless Player, Useless Friend
I’m part of the Critical Role cast, but during the show all I do is smile and sit in silence. Who did I play again, Beauregard? No, that’s not right. I feel guilty, I’m sure I could never live to my character’s full potential, so I write to Dani Carr that I want to quit. She’s vehemently opposed to it, she points out that I look like I’m having a lot of fun during every game,
and that’s all that matters.
I suddenly remember, I’m not part of the regular cast at all, I just guest starred in a few episodes*! I’m playing a little girl with a brown bush of hair and ice blue eyes, who is really an adult under a curse.
My penpal C. has come to visit once again, I feel guilty because I never exchange the favor. In my defense, I’m afraid of planes! We share a pizza in the park, but I’m afraid it’s not glamorous enough and she’ll get bored of me.
C. now looks like my cousin and speaks my language perfectly, but she’s still herself. I’m supposed to go to school but I also want to do something fun with her; besides, I’m an adult with a job and it’s not like I need school anymore, right?
Dad suggests we could drive to the beach. Sure, it’s getting dark outside, but we could still get an ice cream and take a stroll by the water under the moonlight. I run to get dressed but my shoes are missing once again. I look through the shoe rack and find a pair of Nike Air worn out like mine except they are olive green. I guess they’ll have to do.
*I actually dreamed about guest starring a couple months ago. Dreamception!
Store Ninjas
I’m at the store working with my cousin G. A tall guy walks in and start arguing with G., so I take him to the side trying to calm him down. He’s truly massive, I’m barely taller than his elbow, and his arms are bigger than a tree trunk. He’s very young though, his face looks dopey and lost. I ask him gently if he’d like to do something with his life and come work with us at the store. He says he’ll think about it.
It’s getting late and I want to go home for the night, but our boss shows up and recruits us for one last mission: turns out our store offers ninja services too! Cousin G., Boss Lady and I, dressed in black to hide in the darkness, start climbing a glass skyscraper. The two of them are very agile and I feel incompetent. A group of enemy ninjas attacks us and we fend them off with big plastic weapons.
We finally reach the top of the building and now it’s time to sneak inside the penthouse, where a big party is happening. I fill my backpack with junk food, potato chips, soda cants etc., so if I get caught I can say I was just stealing party food instead of something much more important.
The man we are looking for, a tux-wearing, Bond-esque villain, escapes on his expensive car, we chase him up the mountains. The road is curvy and snowy and I’m surprised I don’t get car sick. We reach a mountain lodge where we quickly kidnap the villain’s wife. Fjord from Critical Role joins us, he tricks the man into drinking wine spiked with tranquilizer, and we kidnap him as well. Unfortunately he’s a charming villain and our group of ninjas is soon suffering from Stockholm syndrome. Not long after, all the girls in the group are getting mani-pedis from him.
Great Critical Bun Off
I’m in my house, but I’m also participating in The Great British Bake Off. It’s the finale, and the two other contestants are Liam O’Brien and Taliesin Jaffe; our assignment for the final round is “butter” and we rush into the kitchen –that is, my own house’s kitchen.
Taliesin definitely knows what he’s doing. I cut open a bread roll and start buttering it, making quite a mess; next to me Liam has dipped in oil a bruschetta and is now frying it on a pan, damnit, he’s gonna beat me at my own bread game! I fill my bun with soft goat cheese, because it’s white like butter, I guess. It’s still too plain and I’m starting to panic. What can I add, what can I add!? I remember I have some trail mix in the pantry and toss it in my bun, mixing it with the soft cheese. I add some sugar on top and slam it in the electric oven next to Liam’s bruschetta.
It’s now time for the judges to try out dishes. The three of us are sitting on bar stools in my living room, a screen behind us is showing our journey through the show. When it’s my turn the screen shows a young Asian woman dressed in a Brazilian outfit, dancing with a group of men in shiny jumpsuits. Wait, was I competing in Dancing with the Stars??
I know my dish is no good and Taliesin is gonna win, and indeed Paul Hollywood is very brutal when he tries it. The other judge, an unnamed lady, is kinder. I’m so disappointed I start stress-eating my buns and Liam’s dish, which tastes like cream and honey cookies. Mine is slightly better, I think, but not enough. As I shovel both the cookies and the buns down my throat, my mom, who in this dream is Angela Bassett, looks at me from the couch and shakes her head in disappointment. I know, I know, I’m gonna get so fat.
Small Steps
I usually don’t have an easy realtionship with my sister’s boyfriend, S., but in tonight dream we try to get along. The three of us have dinner together, he shows me a comic strip he drew where I’m one of the characters. Not a full-fledged character like my sister is, more like a blob, but better than nothing.
In return I show him an episode of Critical Role, since he’s a DnD player, and also a sketch of him and my sister I drew in my journal. He’s impressed, so I say,
Don’t flatter yourself, I only happen to like drawing beards.
DECADE DREAM JOURNAL 