I dream that I’m in the car with my dad, he’s angry and suddenly he turns into my cat, her claws gripping the steering wheel.
Then I have the usual dream about believing you’ve woken up but then realizing it’s not true and trying to wake up again and again, going up a level of consciousness until yes, you’re awake for real and you can tell the difference.
(Strange, that usually happen when I set an early alarm, but it’s Sunday today)
I’m at school and it’s raining, I have a borrowed umbrella. My old crush, L., is fighting over me with another boy, the rest of the kids hate me because I’m always skipping class.
There is a man missing, an old friend of my dad. I set out with L. to go look for him, we eventually learn he was kidnapped and held in a stationary store’s basement. The store owners chase us, I run to the rooftops and find a knife; I use the knife to stab them and drive them away.
I then apparently forget all about the kidnapped man until the day after, when I tell my dad to go collect him at the store.
My underwear is soaked in blood. I don’t want anyone to know, so I wash it in the sink. I don’t know how to dry it, I need to hide it.
In the living room my parents and siblings are gathered together, laughing. It’s raining outside. I need to go to school, but my mom asks me to go grocery shopping; sure, I’ll just skip school today, I don’t care.
Dad is upset hearing this. I tell him I don’t want to go to school anymore, I want to get a job, but he’s worried we’ll be in debt. No we won’t, I tell him, remember last year when I was doing both high school and college? Rules are stupid.
Mom is of course taking his side. I’m so angry at her, I grab and shake her. Why don’t you ever listen to me?! I say. She smiles a wry smile and doesn’t look at me. She’s small now, the size of a cat, and I lift her up and keep shaking. Why don’t you love me?! I yell. Why don’t you care about me?!
She doesn’t listen. She never listens.
It’s summer and I’m watching the night sky with my dad. The constellations are enormous and so clear, we can tell the images apart so easily. I point out a pharaoh, then a flying bat, then a gargoyle.
It’s Easter, I’m supposed to share a room with both my sister and my cousin, I am angry about it. I kick them out, then I realize I have to work with my cousin and she is going to make my life a living hell.
A castle on a hill?
People are school are Benjamin Buttoning, turning younger and younger until there’s nothing left of them. My gang and I investigate: it was the Mayor.
I’m sitting in the back seat of a car with Gran. Her boyfriend is driving, my dad is sitting next to him. Suddenly he turns around to talk to me and dad has to grab to wheel, we nearly crash against a red van. I am so scared and so mad that I get out of the car and refuse to talk to Gran’s boyfriend for the rest of my life.
My sister is once again back home and we hate each other. She makes fun of my drawing of an… ancient Greek bust of a lady, I think. It’s too gay, apparently.
Gran is here too, I feel guilty because I’m napping instead of entertaining her. I haven’t seen her in months but she looks great, plump and with hair perfectly died and coiffed. We go out in town, I’m embarrassed because unlike hers, my hair is a mess. We walk next to a store with a big sign outside, it says,
We made these bottles of herbicide and you shouldn’t pour them over your heads, you EFFIN’ MORONS.
Back home, my dad offers to pay for some of my streaming services. I’m very happy and start listing them, then I wake up and realize I’m an adult and will have to pay for my own shit after all.
I’m in my parking lot, from the fence I can see the nearby public park. There is a baby fox half hidden in the grass, looking at me with big eyes. I stop to take a picture of it, and I see two teens threatening a child with a metal baseball bat. One of them sees the baby fox and tries to pick it up, the mother (that happens to be a full grown, angry tiger) jumps on them; I hear blood-chilling screams and I see limbs being teared off, I’m so terrified that I run home.
I make sure that my cat is safe, then I go see my neighbor. The little boy from the park is there, the back of his head is missing and my neighbor is carefully bandaging it. I ask if he’s gonna be okay, she says,
“No, he’s gonna die tomorrow, but at least he’s not gonna expect it.”
She then tells me to call the police and explain what happen, I take my phone but someone stops my hand: he’s one of the teens, he has a blond mullet and one arm is missing. He tells me he’s a time traveler on a mission, I need to trust him and not tell anyone about his secret.
I’m filming a reality show with my dad. Our team is behind, we need to complete a recipe before we can be moved to the next location, a beautiful European beach city. I’m supposed to make rice pancakes, but there is cat identical to mine chilling in my bowl! I shoo him off, then painstakingly clean all the cat hair from the white dough. I’m all alone because dad is off driving my aunt home, but finally I make my pancakes.
I’m took not to the beach, but to a gray winter city. I’m not wearing a mask and feeling guilty about it, the production team gives me a dark brown one made of fabric. I get lost and end up in a pharmacy, the girl at the counter is pretty and I start flirting. I say I need to make a deposit and get from my bag an envelope filled to the brim with money. The girl’s eyes get enormous.
I hear my siblings whispering, I know they’re plotting something. They bully and gaslight me and my father joins in, so I have no choice but run away from home. I can never come back.
It’s soon lunch time and I’m hungry, I find and open diner and order pizza, I’m asked to sit in a corner because of social distancing measures. The owner rolls her eyes at my pizza and says next time I should order a proper meal; I feel humiliated.
I call my therapist because I badly need some help, the voicemail says I’ll find her at the local park after 6 P.M., sitting in a plexiglass box for, you guessed it, social distancing. But at this point I can’t even remember what I was mad about, and I go back home.
My sister and cousin are forcing me to compete in a quiz show, filming takes place in a basement several floors below a local supermarket. We are brought to a room where a bunch of girls are getting ready, putting their makeup on etc. My sister teases me for never wearing makeup, she says I’m insecure and a coward.
I decide I’m not gonna compete after all, I walk in the middle of the room and announce to everyone that I’m quitting. The producers are saying I simply can’t, I should actually be the first to go on stage, but I take the escalator and leave.
One of the producers is following me up to the ground floor, she is a pretty woman with a black bob, green clothes and triangular eyelashes. She is telling me that I could win a lot of money, don’t I want money to buy… (she looks around in the dark of the abandoned supermarket floor) a Venetian mask? I say I’m not interested.
As I walk home I’m joined by my cousin, who was kicked out of the quiz show in record time. The woman in green is still following us, she says it’s because her car is parked nearby, but she looks sad and worried and I feel guilty because maybe she’s gonna lose her job because of me. I take her by the hand (so soft!) and ask her if she would like to stop somewhere for tea. She looks me in the eyes and smile. She really is beautiful.
The lockdown is finally over and I’m getting ready to go see Gran for the first time in two months, when the doorbell rings: it’s my uncles, and with them here comes Gran herself: the tip of her hair is still auburn but the roots have turned white. I’m too afraid to go hug her, so I sit a few feet away and quietly cry with relief in my dinner plate.
I find myself in the past, specifically in the remote year 2017. I’m on a train but I have no ticket and very little money, so I sneak out at the next stop. I land in a city I don’t know and I start looking around blindly for a hotel: maybe I can afford to stay for just one night? Or, if I get lost, I can always wake up from this dream, I reason with myself.
My hair (I have long hair, for some reason) gets stuck in the red button of a little girl’s blouse. She invites me in her house, the mother arrives and is alarmed to find a stranger, but after I explain the situation she lets me free myself from her daughter’s button, then she offers me dinner and a shower. She’s not rich, she explains, but she’s having a party tonight and she could use some more guests around the table.
As I sit down to eat, I start receiving panicked texts from my father. But wait, they are not texts, it’s my alarm ringing. And I wake up.
My glasses are broken. I look for an old pair, find them in a drawer, there’s a big scratch on one of the lenses. I wish I had gotten a new prescription before all the stores were closed.
There is a bed with a… tent? Rolled over it? I break it and then try to roll it back, even try to glue it but it’s no use. Bud Bergstein and his wife come in the room and are appalled.
It’s Christmas night. I want to be alone and read my Steven Universe comic book but dad is angry, again, he’s making a scene. Like I’ve dreamed to so many times, I pick him up by the armpits and put him outside. He takes the car and leaves, it’s already dawn and nobody knows where he’s gone, and everybody is mad at me.
DECADE DREAM JOURNAL 