The real Good Place would never

I dream that I’m watching a new episode of ‘The Good Place’. The main character is I wanna say J.D. from Scrubs…? He’s in Paradise and asks to see his ‘nonni’, I’m confused because I thought he was Jewish. We are introduced to his grandparents and also his cousin who really loves trans women. As I watch I’m reading a review about how perfect the episode’s ending is, so I’m very eager as you can imagine. The cousin gets to a castle full of beautiful trans women, we linger on every gorgeous face and impeccable makeup and I’m overwhelmed with joy. In the end the cousin falls for a cis woman though, and that’s absolute horse crap and I’m pissed.

Can Summer End Soon Please

I dream that both my brother and sister are at home and we’re trying to get along. It’s September and I’m so excited about Fall and then Christmas. The trees are heavy with raspberries, and outside my window there’s a garden covered in big purple eggplants. On TV there’s a show with Katie McGrath.

Confirmed, Twice

I dream that I’m working at the new store, the one above our regular store that I dreamed about last week. I’ve always wondered, when something seems familiar, is it because I’ve legit dreamed about if before or is it just my mind playing tricks? Well, now I know! This time I’m wearing a name tag on my chest that says “I’m new, please be gentle with me.” Indeed I’m so slow that my cousin kicks me out.

The next day I don’t want to go to work, I’m not even sure if they actually hired me back or if this is all just a dream. I go out with friends instead, we stop to buy pizza but the guy behind the counter seems very unhygienic, I slip away without my friends noticing. I’m hungry now and it’s night already, I stop at a restaurant that is just a series of tables under the stars. I’m very suspicious about hygienic standards, I order a simple cheese pizza (the least dangerous, I assume), it takes them ages to bring it to the table.

(Photo by zero take on Unsplash)

The next morning I’m walking home after skipping work once again, I hear someone calling me, I look up and see my neighbor C. waving at me from the attic window. I go up to her and she’s sitting at a table eating, she starts telling me all about some gossip she heard (typical!) when a goose flies in from the window, a big brown goose, rather angry. It starts honking at C.’s ear, doesn’t calm down until it’s offered some food.

(Photo by Biel Morro on Unsplash)

I close all the doors and windows in case the goose wants to come back, then go down the stairs. I’m in a beautiful old mansion that belongs to my grandfather. It used to be in ruins when I was a kid, now my uncle has renovated and it’s so beautiful it looks more like a museum. I know once grandgfather dies my uncle will kick us out and I wish I could show all of this to my penpal in time, but she’s visited me just a few days ago (I DO dream about old dreams!) and it’s gonna be a while before she comes back. Maybe I’ll give her a virtual tour, once new technologies allow it.

I look at the portraits on the walls and imagine what I would say to 18th century people to explain TV screens.

It’s like a big mirror, but instead of yourself you see other people and stories. It’s connected by a series of wires that transfer electricity, it’s the stuff lighting bolts are made of.

My uncle arrives and catches me looking at his art collection. Just like grandfather, this guy isn’t one of my IRL uncles, he’s a short, balding man with glasses, and expensive suit and a nervous expression. He notices I’m crying because I’m so moved by all these beautiful neoclassical statues, he says he cries all the time too, maybe he can get along with my siblings and I after all.

We organize a sack race so we can bond, I’m a teen girl, I have a teen brother and a toddler sister, suspiciously similar to A Series of Unfortunate Events characters. The toddler wins the race.

Who Was He

I dream that there’s a baby crawling at my feet. He’s blonde, he’s wearing a blue shirt and a big diaper. I want to take him in my arms but whenever I try he cries. I’m limping. Laura Bailey is on TV hosting an award show.

Why Cats Though

I dream that my mom is watching a girl being interviewed on TV. The girl says she was in a production of Cats, some of the other guests and the crew say they also were in Cats! They all get together and dance on stage, in perfect sync with each other. My mother switch channels, I was so invested I go look up that interview online.

I Just Want To Go Out And Take Pictures, Man

I dream that I’m watching a TV show, it’s a love story between a model and a producer. He’s got nice eyes but ugly teeth, he’s old and bony, but surprisingly I’m into it. He looks sweet and melanchonic. In the scene I’m watching they’re talking about Hamilton, specifically praising Renée Elise Goldsberry’s performance, I wholeheartedly agree with them. I want to watch the whole scene again, but I wake up.

Now I’m on a school trip, we walk on a long, white bridge. In front of us there’s a beach, behind us a rocky, misty hill. I take pictures to send my dad, even though he’s also here with me. I explain I’m sending them to the version of him that is sitting home on the couch. Eventually he’ll join bodies with that version.

We climb the hill, there’s an equally misty village on top. We spot a comic book store but it’s closed, maybe they’re on a lunch break? No, someone reads out loud the sign on the door, they’re on vacation on November 1st, 2nd and 3th. All my schoolmates grumble, just our luck.

The sun is setting, now we’re all sitting on the beach around a fire. I take more pictures of my friends, they turn out pretty but too bright.

Sorry Mom

I dream that Berlusconi, the Italian politician, has to stay at our place for a few days. He’s a small man with a jovial smile, trying his best to win us all. I’m extremely suspicious of him. He gives us a giant TV, it’s ultra HD but you can only watch two channels on it, the ones he deems “acceptable”. The house is small so he has to share a bed with my mom. I ask her how that’s going, she says he sleeps in the middle of the bed like he owns the place.

Then I dream that I’m home sick but I still get calls from customers forwarded. I talk for an hour to a woman trying to explain how to create a safe account for her daughter. Then I go to the hospital with my friends. We’re in a different city and can’t find the building, end up in a mall instead. I have to do a neurological test. I’m Ellen Page for some reason.

I Love It When I can Remember So Many Details

I dream that I’m watching the new season of The Crown. The episode starts with the Queen visiting her son Andrew, he lives in a dark, dirty castle with his two little girls and wife. For some reason the actress who plays Fergie has giant fake lips.

We cut to Prince Edward, who is a young professor, hot but in a reassuring, glasses and sweaters kind of way. He meets his future wife and I find myself thinking it’s all very Notting Hill. A group of disabled students go to see him complaining that they aren’t allowed to take part in the school recital. Edward makes a phone call and the Queen and Margaret appear, this time as played by Claire Foy and Vanessa Kirby. The Queen winks at the students.

Next we see them all doing aerobics on a stage, wearing black leotards and leg warmers. Claire and Vanessa are really good dancers. Also Benedict Cumberbatch is on stage, it’s a fun scene but I’m wondering, it’s the 80s, what’s he got to do with anything? Shouldn’t it be Michael Jackson instead?

A new episode starts and the Queen, now played by Olivia Colman, comes along with me and my classroom on a school trip. We go up to the mountains, it’s winter and the scenery is a bit dreary. We come across a pretty lake, I want to take pictures but I have to run away when a wild goose starts chasing me.

We stop in a little village, our hotel has a 1 star out of 5 review but the Queen seems perfectly happy in her bedroom. I have some noodle soup and the next morning go back home. At the train station I realize some guys are following me. I hide in a church and text my dad for help. He replies that he’s not gonna get up from the couch and I’ll have to deal with it on my own. I text back,

If they rob and rape me it’s gonna be all your fault!

Eventful Holiday

I dream that I’m interning at a tobacco store but nobody seems to pay attention to me. The next day is a holiday, I’m at the beach wearing a bikini, with my feet in the water. My parents come pick me up, there are four starving kids on the beach and my mom buys them ice cream pops. I go home and up some stairs, hiding inside an incredibly tiny outdoor toilet. I place an old TV (the kind with antennas and a big butt) on the toilet seat, sit on the floor in front of it and proceed to watch Glee as I eat my lunch.