Some People Are Just Rude, Okay?

Posted on May 11, 2020 by Decade Dream Journal

My sister is at home and we hate each other, what a surprise. She’s making a scene because I took some books she also wanted to read, and I’m so upset that she went straight to tantrum instead of just asking.

The books are about Gentleman Jack, I’m also watching the show and taking part in the casting process. The casting director is rude to one of the actors and I defend him, because she could have said a polite no instead of laughing to his face.

My cousin calls to remind me I’ll be back to work on May 18th. I keep hoping for an extent of the lockdown but it never comes. One of my coworkers says I’m gonna need my strength and shows me what she’s eating, it’s literally a sandwich stuffed with a giant marshmallow.

Routine Anxieties

Posted on May 5, 2020 by Decade Dream Journal

It’s raining as I walk home from high school. I’m wearing bell bottom jeans and (just like during my actual high school days!) the hems got all wet and muddy. Chatting along with me there’s my old classmate M., a bony girl with freckles and bovine eyes; she can’t believe we are already seniors and our school days are almost over, do I know what I’m gonna do next? Yes, I’m gonna apply to [IRL store I work at] and, I brag, I’ll have to work until 7:30 P.M. She says she’s gonna get off even later and I’m jealous, she’s always been smarter than me!

After lunch I get restless, I’m already late for my old philosophy teacher’s class, why do I always miss it? What if he never lets me graduate?! I go to pee on the balcony (it’s raining and everything is already wet so, I figure, why not?) and run off, but halfway to the school I once again remember that I’m an adult with a job and I don’t have to worry about graduating anymore.

I decide to go shopping with Gran instead. As usual, there’s too many people inside the supermarket and nobody is wearing a mask, I’m really concerned about Gran’s safety, so I drag her outside as it starts drizzling again. She’s carrying a plastic bag with a pink pullover inside, there is no place to store it though, so she hangs it from a branch that’s leafless and skeletal against the gray sky. I’m afraid somebody is gonna steal the bag and when she’s not looking I take it and bring it home, for safekeeping.

Pandemic Sure Has Added Another Layer of Anxiety To My Recurring Dreams

Posted on April 4, 2020 by Decade Dream Journal

I’m grocery shopping with my cousin, we find an aisle in the supermarket stocked with every kind of face masks: they are expensive, truly outrageously expensive, common surgical masks cost 20 bucks apiece and there’s one single N95 mask, orange, that costs more than 600 bucks. Still, we’ve been looking everywhere and we really need those masks, I want to call my dad and ask what to do but once again I only have an old phone on me. I look for “home” on the contacts list and a stranger answers: he’s using my childhood landline number, I feel weirdly angry and protective.

We go to my cousin’s place and have fried fish and chicken for lunch. Then I go to school and my old philosophy teacher is there, but this time he’s teaching math, even better. He’s graded yesterday’s tests, on mine I only wrote down half of the answers and that half I copied. He’s really angry with me, he asks why, oh why am I so bad at math? I explain it’s because I’m smart, I’m so smart that in primary school I never learned how to study, everything was so easy. And now that math is difficult I cannot study to save my life. He says he doesn’t believe me.

I go back home and around the dinner table I explain the situation. I say I cannot even be bothered to learn my classes’ schedule. My mother is very worried, she says I’ll need to do something if I want to pass my finals. I say that hopefully this pandemic will be over soon, I’ll be back to work and won’t have to go to school ever again. Who cares about my finals anyway? Everyone is shocked and angry at me.*

My sister who’s also at the table sends me to fetch her boyfriend’s dog. I walk to town and start looking at every person walking with a dog, hoping to recognize her. I eventually find her, she doesn’t look at all like his real life dog but she’s limping just like her. She’s pooped all over herself and has to be rushed home to get washed, as we wait my sister and I walk into a stationary store. I hope to find stickers but only find pretty notebooks.

*I want to point out once again that I’m an adult, I’ve been out of school for 15 years and I definitely passed my finals back then. WHY DO I KEEP DREAMING ABOUT THIS.

Ooooh Anxiety

Posted on March 31, 2020March 31, 2020 by Decade Dream Journal

I have a second job at a hospital, in a virologist office; I’m given a white doctor’s gown to wear, even though I have no idea what I’m doing. My cousin is also there but she is in her element, quick and efficient. There is a big square table in the middle of the room, with many patients sitting around it. Most of them are coughing. I’m terrified I’m gonna catch the virus too and get my parents killed.

My shift finally ends and I meet with my cousin and Boss Lady in an RV, I tell them I will be glad when the emergency is over and I can go back to work at the store. My cousin reminds me with her patented mean voice that I have two free mornings and there’s no reason I shouldn’t spend them at the hospital! It’s too much and I tell them I’m not going back to the hospital, I don’t know why I signed up in the first place, I don’t enjoy it like I enjoy working at the store, also I’m not qualified for it and I’m afraid I’ll get sick. Boss Lady gets utterly mad at me and fires me on the spot, I’m so upset I wake up.

I fall asleep right back asleep and the dreams continue. Now I’m home on the couch, and my mother is telling me my sister is coming back home. Sure enough here she comes with her suitcase, and I’m already su upset I tell her she’s gonna sleep somewhere else because I don’t want her in my bedroom. She’s angry as usual, I tell her I’ve had a horrible day and I don’t care if she’s just arrived home, I’m getting into the shower first. On the couch, my mother is calling all our relatives to tell them I was fired.

Going Home and Watching a Movie, the Usual

Posted on March 29, 2020March 29, 2020 by Decade Dream Journal

I’m walking home from work, on the streets I’m really trying to keep my social distance. Two little girls approach me, start to chat, they want to know how old am I? Where do I work? I try to send them back, tell them they’re not allowed to get this close to people. Their dad, who’s walking a few feet behind, apologizes. I tell him, look, your kids are nice, why don’t I give you my number and when all of this is over you guys can call me? He gives me his email address instead: I recognize the name, he’s one of my customers.

I arrive home and when I go up the stairs I see two teen girls laughing at me, I realize it’s because I’m not wearing any pants. I get inside my apartment and go straight to bed.

In the living room my family is watching a James Bond movie, it’s set during the Olympics and there’s a grand scene at the opening ceremony. Three of the characters sing on stage, the songs are beautiful and the lights are a spectacle, but I feel bad for the rest of the cast singing the chorus in the background, that always used to happen on Glee. Matthew McConaughey is there, he plays a character called “The King of Thieves”.

In the end James Bond dies and is put in an old coffin. I get up and my family tells me it’s too bad I missed the movie; they don’t know I listened to the whole thing from my bed.

Guess What I’m Anxious About Today

Posted on March 24, 2020March 27, 2020 by Decade Dream Journal

I walk to the store, but once inside I see it’s a mix between it and my old job at the vet clinic. There is a young man at the counter, I buy something and he gives me change from the old cash register I’ve used so many times. I’m a bit annoyed seeing that he doesn’t use gloves to handle the money.

I try to be nice to him anyway, I ask where my old buddy the cat is and he says I can go in the back to look for her. I see a ramp of stairs with a long-haired tabby sitting on it, I call her name (I can’t remember it but it started with an “S”) and she jumps in my arms. Then I see my old boss, the vet’s wife, coming out from a door and I don’t want to be caught in here again when I should be quarantined, so I leave in a hurry.

I’m walking back home and it’s a beautiful spring day, the sky is a perfect blue. I realize with horror there are too many people in town, why is nobody respecting the lockdown?! I come across a whole wedding gathering, people are crowding around the groom and wife and clapping and taking pictures. I have to walk between them and I hold my breath, hoping and praying I won’t be infected.

The Mayor walks past me with the police, I wish they’re gonna arrest everybody. I go home and decide to self-quarantine in my room for the next two weeks, because I really want my dad to be safe.

In Which I Have Pandemia Anxiety and I’m Especially Worried About My Grandmother

Posted on March 22, 2020March 27, 2020 by Decade Dream Journal

Gran is in town, despite the quarantine, despite all. I’m following her, trying to make her see reason. My store is closed, but she finds a loose panel in the front window and sneaks in, while I beg her to come back. She says it’s alright, nobody is in here anyway. I see my boss’ coat on a chair and light coming from under her office’s door, realize we’re about to be discovered and drag Gran away.

Next she wants to go to the bank to get all her money back. She walks on the cold stone floor and sits on a bench, and I order her to at least put her mask on. She gets from her bag a diving mask that she patched up with some fabric, and I’m about to lose my mind with anger and worry.

I’m watching an old VHS tape, it’s a show that has Queen Elizabeth, Prince Charles and Japanese boyband Arashi in it. My family is annoyed, they say the show is boring, and since I know the Queen is about to get into some lesbian shenanigans I take the tape out of the player and say we should go grocery shopping instead. But it’s late and we’re quarantined and the supermarket is closed, everything is closed and we’re about to starve.

Wishful Thinking

Posted on March 20, 2020 by Decade Dream Journal

I’m watching Star Wars on TV. Darth Vader is on screen, he is not wearing his armor and his flesh is red, burned and bleeding. He removes his helmet too, we see two big eyes, long eyelashes and eyebrows wincing in pain. I realize he’s actually played by Hayden Christensen, I don’t know how they convinced him to come back! Even weirder, he’s wearing a black wig that makes him look like Snape or Kylo Ren. He yells in pain and anger, and a stormtrooper runs over to help.

Now I’m watching the latest Critical Role episode. The battles are beautifully animated with the same style as Gorillaz’s videos. The episode ends with Nott being teleported away, and Matt says goodbye because the show is quarantined like everything else.

I try to go back home, but it’s raining now and there are too many people out and about, I realize with horror. Why aren’t they all in lockdown?! We are all gonna get sick! I decide to hold my breath and try desperately not to touch my face until I’m out of the crowd. A woman tries to grab me by the hand to beg for money, and I run away.

I end up at the store, my boss’ boss is there. She wants to know if I prepared the list she asked me to, I lie and say it’s on my tablet. I’m saved from further embarrassment by my dad, who burst in waving a piece of paper with a credit card glued on it: the government has sent me money, to make up for the fact that I’ll be quarantined at home for months. There are 750 bucks on the credit card, and I’m really excited because I’ll be able to buy myself a new computer now.

Frustrating

Posted on March 16, 2020 by Decade Dream Journal

I’m about 80% sure I’m pregnant, even though I’m not showing yet. Who’s the father? Maybe my old high school crush? I have a vague recollection of being around him a few months ago, that must have done it.

After a few days I realize I’m TWICE pregnant. It’s not twins though, the second one is newer and extrauterine. I consult with a doctor, he explains I was already pregnant to begin with, so when I got knocked up again there wasn’t enough space and the new fetus settled in the wrong place. (How does my mind even come up with stuff like this?!)

I’m back to work, the store feels familiar and brand new at the same time. My cousin whisper-orders me to google how to polish diamonds, away from the customers because we don’t want them to know how rich we are now, do we?

It takes me a lot of time to type in the words, autocorrect keeps screwing them up. When I finally hit ‘search’, the firs result is,

I wish I knew.

Nobody on the whole damn world knows how to polish diamonds. Is alcohol okay? I wish I knew.

DECADE DREAM JOURNAL