Routine Anxieties

Posted on May 5, 2020 by Decade Dream Journal

It’s raining as I walk home from high school. I’m wearing bell bottom jeans and (just like during my actual high school days!) the hems got all wet and muddy. Chatting along with me there’s my old classmate M., a bony girl with freckles and bovine eyes; she can’t believe we are already seniors and our school days are almost over, do I know what I’m gonna do next? Yes, I’m gonna apply to [IRL store I work at] and, I brag, I’ll have to work until 7:30 P.M. She says she’s gonna get off even later and I’m jealous, she’s always been smarter than me!

After lunch I get restless, I’m already late for my old philosophy teacher’s class, why do I always miss it? What if he never lets me graduate?! I go to pee on the balcony (it’s raining and everything is already wet so, I figure, why not?) and run off, but halfway to the school I once again remember that I’m an adult with a job and I don’t have to worry about graduating anymore.

I decide to go shopping with Gran instead. As usual, there’s too many people inside the supermarket and nobody is wearing a mask, I’m really concerned about Gran’s safety, so I drag her outside as it starts drizzling again. She’s carrying a plastic bag with a pink pullover inside, there is no place to store it though, so she hangs it from a branch that’s leafless and skeletal against the gray sky. I’m afraid somebody is gonna steal the bag and when she’s not looking I take it and bring it home, for safekeeping.

Images

Posted on April 28, 2020April 28, 2020 by Decade Dream Journal

The building is a maze again, this time I know what to expect. I have sex with Lady Gaga. I ask my cousin to drive me to the mall, the black one that doesn’t exist. We fly on brooms, and we have to remember that space and distance are made up. Two Asian children playing golf.

Haircut Troubles, Heart Troubles, School Troubles, Fitness Troubles, Troubles Of All Sorts

Posted on April 13, 2020 by Decade Dream Journal

I want to shave my head! All the salons are closed and my hair is getting so long it’s driving me insane (this is also true IRL). My dad and I drive to a beach house where Cousin G. is sitting on the patio, doing guess what? Yes, she has a buzzer and it’s giving herself a nice clean shaved cut.

I ask her to do mine too, dad immediately forbids it. She tries to trim my hair a bit instead, I look in the mirror and… she gave me a Mike from Stranger Things haircut! Angry, I grab the razor and shave off a big chunk of hair, now she won’t have any choice but finish the job.

My newly shaved head looks bulgy and knobby and the skin has a grayish zombie hue to it. I look like a cartoon villain! It’s absolutely horrifying, dad says it’s disgusting. Now I’ll have to wear a hat everywhere I go.

I’m dating A., my old best friend from elementary and middle school: I didn’t know she was into girls but she has revealed she’s −in fact− bisexual. I want to spend all my time with her and I’m dreading going back to work once the quarantine is over, because we won’t be able to see each other anymore.

We come back from school hand in hand, I’m wearing an awkward early 2000s polo shirt, the striped, tight-fitting kind. We get to my house and my Gran starts fussing over us; A. sighs and rolls her eyes, she says ,

At the start of every relationship there’s always a grandma butting in.

We are tidying up my room, Gran finds my report card hidden in a drawer and looks very disappointed. I tell her I don’t want to go to school anymore, I have a job, why can’t I just skip my finals and start earning money?!

Ashamed, I go to hide in the kitchen. Mom is there and she’s looking at my legs. Have I been exercising? She asks. I’ve been running a lot, I explain, alone in my bedroom since we can’t go out (also true IRL). I look down at my calves, they are incredible! Muscular and round and toned. They look completely ridiculous in the context of my wimpy, chubby body, I’ll have to diversify my fitness regime.

Now I Really Want To Eat Fish For Some Reason

Posted on April 9, 2020 by Decade Dream Journal

Even though all restaurants are closed, my dad has heard of a place where you can get fish takeaway. All the family piles up in our small car and we pass around the paper where dad has scribbled down the menu, my pick is roasted prawns. We arrive just in time for dinner, in the dark we can see a truly long line of people standing too close to each other: it’s dangerous, but the air smells so good and we all get in line anyway. A red-haired woman is talking and laughing with a friend, she’s a too close to my face and I yell at her. While I’m busy arguing my family has forgotten all about me and is already eating.

We drive back home and now my aunt V. (rest in peace) is with us. It’s a simple conversation, something about how good I am with tweezers, but it feels lonely and bittersweet.

We arrive home and now they are planning to take my sister out for desserts, I want to join but my parents say it’s too risky. I go out on my own, it’s raining and all the stores are deserted. I feel guilty about not wearing a face mask, but I want to get some exercise so I start running up and down a crosswalk, ignoring the traffic lights because there is not a soul around.

Soscial Distancing!

Posted on April 5, 2020 by Decade Dream Journal

I’m walking in town, it’s evening and there are way too many people around doing their shopping, hardly anyone is wearing face masks. I am both anxious and angry. I take an escalator going underground, I’m sandwiched between a small crowd and yell,

You are all irresponsible! My grandma is immunocompromised, you are going to kill her!

A woman gets really angry at me. She is short and middle aged, with a bob of brown hair.

The escalator brings me to an underground train station− it’s not the subway though, just regular trains. A black haired girl who’s just arrived with her boyfriend waves at me, I can’t for the life of me recognize her, she must have mistaken me for somebody else. Still I ask her why she’s outside, she says according to the local news the pandemic is a hoax. I give her a long list of more reliable news channels.

Now I’m walking on a grass path in a sunny sea town. I’m still sandwiched between long lines of people and so mad I start yelling again. A bearded man glares at me, he’s wearing a fedora and underneath the brim of the hat his eyes are glowing red. He wants me to prove I’m in any danger, but I can’t. Confused, I crouch behind a wall and stare at my hands: sparkles fly from them. I realize then I’m in a virtual reality and everyone is safe. My mission is to find rainbow daffodils, I start pouring water on every flower I see hoping it’s what I’m looking for.

Pandemic Sure Has Added Another Layer of Anxiety To My Recurring Dreams

Posted on April 4, 2020 by Decade Dream Journal

I’m grocery shopping with my cousin, we find an aisle in the supermarket stocked with every kind of face masks: they are expensive, truly outrageously expensive, common surgical masks cost 20 bucks apiece and there’s one single N95 mask, orange, that costs more than 600 bucks. Still, we’ve been looking everywhere and we really need those masks, I want to call my dad and ask what to do but once again I only have an old phone on me. I look for “home” on the contacts list and a stranger answers: he’s using my childhood landline number, I feel weirdly angry and protective.

We go to my cousin’s place and have fried fish and chicken for lunch. Then I go to school and my old philosophy teacher is there, but this time he’s teaching math, even better. He’s graded yesterday’s tests, on mine I only wrote down half of the answers and that half I copied. He’s really angry with me, he asks why, oh why am I so bad at math? I explain it’s because I’m smart, I’m so smart that in primary school I never learned how to study, everything was so easy. And now that math is difficult I cannot study to save my life. He says he doesn’t believe me.

I go back home and around the dinner table I explain the situation. I say I cannot even be bothered to learn my classes’ schedule. My mother is very worried, she says I’ll need to do something if I want to pass my finals. I say that hopefully this pandemic will be over soon, I’ll be back to work and won’t have to go to school ever again. Who cares about my finals anyway? Everyone is shocked and angry at me.*

My sister who’s also at the table sends me to fetch her boyfriend’s dog. I walk to town and start looking at every person walking with a dog, hoping to recognize her. I eventually find her, she doesn’t look at all like his real life dog but she’s limping just like her. She’s pooped all over herself and has to be rushed home to get washed, as we wait my sister and I walk into a stationary store. I hope to find stickers but only find pretty notebooks.

*I want to point out once again that I’m an adult, I’ve been out of school for 15 years and I definitely passed my finals back then. WHY DO I KEEP DREAMING ABOUT THIS.

Ooooh Anxiety

Posted on March 31, 2020March 31, 2020 by Decade Dream Journal

I have a second job at a hospital, in a virologist office; I’m given a white doctor’s gown to wear, even though I have no idea what I’m doing. My cousin is also there but she is in her element, quick and efficient. There is a big square table in the middle of the room, with many patients sitting around it. Most of them are coughing. I’m terrified I’m gonna catch the virus too and get my parents killed.

My shift finally ends and I meet with my cousin and Boss Lady in an RV, I tell them I will be glad when the emergency is over and I can go back to work at the store. My cousin reminds me with her patented mean voice that I have two free mornings and there’s no reason I shouldn’t spend them at the hospital! It’s too much and I tell them I’m not going back to the hospital, I don’t know why I signed up in the first place, I don’t enjoy it like I enjoy working at the store, also I’m not qualified for it and I’m afraid I’ll get sick. Boss Lady gets utterly mad at me and fires me on the spot, I’m so upset I wake up.

I fall asleep right back asleep and the dreams continue. Now I’m home on the couch, and my mother is telling me my sister is coming back home. Sure enough here she comes with her suitcase, and I’m already su upset I tell her she’s gonna sleep somewhere else because I don’t want her in my bedroom. She’s angry as usual, I tell her I’ve had a horrible day and I don’t care if she’s just arrived home, I’m getting into the shower first. On the couch, my mother is calling all our relatives to tell them I was fired.

Trains and Cars and Superpowers

Posted on March 28, 2020 by Decade Dream Journal

I’m at a train station trying to get home, there are some classmates with me. We check the timetables, only find one train going the right direction and it’s still hours away. There are only a few people around, I know today is supposed to be the town festival but everybody is quarantined at home.

As we climb the stairs to go look for the ticket booth, a classmate stops me. Wouldn’t I like to rent a car instead, she asks? It’s a service provided by the local hardware store and it’s only 16 bucks. I accept.

Now Steven Universe is the one who’s renting the service: along with a car it also offers a complete superpowers package. You only have to cover your body with transparent film (food wrap, basically) and you can jump very high and even fly. Steven is enjoying his new abilities and takes the chance to kiss a girl, but as soon as she feels the film on his lips she pushes him away, disgusted.

Steven is so upset he jumps on his rented car and crashes against a wall. At the hospital, while his body is in a coma, his spirit wakes up and doesn’t realize what happened; wearing only one of those backless hospital gowns, he skips around and dances outside in the garden.

Bomb Scare

Posted on March 23, 2020 by Decade Dream Journal

It’s a Friday and it’s the second to last day of middle school. My cousin G. wants to end things in style by bombing the place, I’m helping her out even if I don’t approve: I’m actually gonna try to sabotage the bomb when she’s not looking. She’s so proud to have me on her team, hugs me and tells our classmates we’ve known each other “since we were babies”.

I see my chance when she mentions she can’t wait to go dance on Saturday night, I casually remind her we’re gonna bomb the school and we’ll all be dead by then. She looks taken aback, like she didn’t think things through. She starts quietly counting on her fingers, and I know I’m about to change her mind.

I go home and tell everyone I’m carrying a bomb, but not to worry, everything is under control. Meanwhile, can my parents help me bring all my stuff home from my classroom? I’m pretty sure I’m not gonna be back, I’ve had to repeat this school year over and over and over and over again in my dreams, hell, even my little brother is starting middle school and is about to catch up with me.

The next day my cousin confesses the bomb was only a bunch of New Year fireworks, and if we launch them in the park it’s probably gonna be okay. I rush to do so, meanwhile she travels to a far away kingdom: the king’s brother is forced to wear a red woman’s dress to entertain the castle, she wants to rescue him because she’s in love with him. I think the whole thing is way too heteronormative, but the man is a blonde viking very upset with the whole situation, hopefully he’ll be grateful enough to marry her.

I Want To Go Back

Posted on March 14, 2020 by Decade Dream Journal

I’m at Venice’s train station, trying to get back home. According to the board there is one super fast train that goes straight to my town, it belongs to the church and one ticket it 380 bucks. I cannot afford it. As the train is about to leave the price suddenly drops to 160, and I still can’t afford it.

I wait for a slower, cheaper train, and finally I’m back home and can hug my parents. I have an electric fan going in my room even though it’s only march, and my underwear drawer is empty because my cousin stole them all. I tell her I want to go back to work even amid the outbreak.

Boss Lady calls me, says I can come back as long as I take a shower before going home from the store. I download a shower from the Sims game, the outdoor kind that uses bottled water. It’s so small I can carry it in the palm of my hand, Boss Lady is fascinated by it.

DECADE DREAM JOURNAL